Writer Buds: 2012

Charlotte the Scarlett Harlott: by the Anchorite

Charlotte the Scarlett Harlott

by the Anchorite

Charlotte looked at her reflection. Blood leaked from multiple wounds, her dress was torn to shreds, and her left eye was a gory ruin. She smiled. Sweet success.

As Pale Cadaver's makeup artist she created the elaborate effects for the heavy metal band's live performances, specializing in buckets of blood and gory wounds. Not bad for a beauty school dropout, she thought, as she removed the latex-and-putty patch over her left eye.

The Poet of her Dark Heart

by the Anchorite

Cadbury Cadsworth chuckled as he read yet another story of the London Butcher, the mysterious serial killer that terrorized the city. The constabulary had no leads on the identity of the brutal murderer so named because he used meat cleavers, carving knives, and other butcher’s tools to coammit his ghastly crimes.

Cadsworth took satisfaction in the thought that the clueless authorities would never apprehend him as he ventured on his killing sprees at leisure. He began his path by eliminating his parents. He killed Dad to inherit the Cadsworth estate and he killed Mum for naming him Cadbury.

An apple a day keeps the zombies at bay

Here's an article I wrote on Squidoo about eating well. I review five great books that I've read on the subject. The books are not about weight loss or dieting. They're about eating real food: the nutritious, traditional foods we humans were meant to eat.

If you just want to skip ahead and buy the books, they're here on my Amazon Store. Each book has a short review that I wrote. I've read all these books, by the way. With very few exceptions, I have everything that I sell on my Amazon store. I only recommend what I consider the best--the stuff I've spent my own sadly-limited resources on and found worthwhile. Click here to go to the store.

Sleep Apnea is a Killer

People can stop breathing for 40 seconds or longer
Some stop breathing permanently

Yeah, stopping breathing hundreds of times a night can ruin your health. It can even kill you. Who'd have thought it? Oh, and it can make you gain weight. The horror!

Here's an article I wrote about sleep apnea. It's got information and cool gadgets, too. You don't have to be male or obese to have sleep apnea.

Two new articles on Squidoo

When will this computer fad end???

Are you in pain at your computer?

Humans just weren't designed to slouch in front of a screen, making tiny finger movements for 9 hours a day.

But here's an article that can help you cope, fight computer pain and try to get rid of repetitive stress injury.

By the way THE TYLER TWIST IS A CURE FOR TENNIS ELBOW. I just want the world to know that. It's given me hope.

How to Write a Lens on Squidoo

A "lens" is what they call articles on Squidoo. Today I wrote a lens on how to write a lens.

Writing Ideas

Here are some article ideas I've had floating around in the back of my brain:

Sleep apnea - how to deal with it if you don't have insurance
Sleep apnea - not using your cpap? here are techniques and tricks to make it work for you
Sleep apnea - exercises, gadgets and practices to beat this killer
Sleep apnea - do you have it? you don't have to be fat or male to have it, and those online screening quizzes for it might cost you your life
Lateral Epicondyl Tendonitis - The Tyler Twist is a cure
Aching at your computer? These gadgets and practices can help
Cats - all the best products to pamper your furry overlord (Actually, the cats wrote an article on this already, but I could do one too, and, not to toot my own horn, but I write a lot better than them.)
Cats - Bladder infections can kill male cats within 24 hours. Here's what you need to know
Cat heroes - Cats that have saved lives (I have touched on this, but haven't done a formal article). Housecats have saved people from fire, carbon monoxide, and intruders. Twitch woke me up when I stopped breathing. There was also a pride of lions in Africa that saved a girl from kidnappers a couple years ago. Cats are mysterious animals.
Cats with jobs - Again, I've blogged, but no formal article. There are lots of cats that have actual jobs, believe it or not.
Crazy badass cats - cats chasing bears, cats fighting alligators, cats killing snakes. crazy stuff
Cats that have solved crimes. Seriously, it's happened. DNA analysis of cat hair got a murderer convicted quite recently. 100 years ago, a cat's frightened reaction to a murderer led to him confess.
Beauty products - all my favorites. I've spend 45 years on this planet, trying all kinds of stuff. I think I've got a system now.
10 minute meals - I have several recipes that require 10 minutes or less prep time.
English usage errors, the words: peak vs pique, incidents vs incidence and all the other errors that drive me nuts
English usage errors, the grammar: "whom" is not a fancier version of "who". "I" is not more formal than "me". "Politeness" is not a factor in English grammar--ask "me or anyone" about it. (But don't ask "anyone or me".)
English usage errors, the punctuation: Flipping quotation marks. Do they go inside or outside of the period/comma/question mark? Capitalization after a colon, when do we do it?

Anton's Backstory

This is a tale from our favorite Chaircat's past that sheds some light on his origins (pun intended) and provides context for other stories on this blog.

Gabriel Fitzgibbon, known as Gabe by neighborhood low lives and law enforcement, deftly opened the side window to his dingy apartment and crawled inside. He could not use the front door barred with an enormous padlock with an eviction notice posted beside it. Gabe fumbled around in the dark as he had to wait until late at night so no one would see him break into his own home. He did not dare to turn on the lights lest he attract unwanted attention to activity in what was supposed to be a vacant residence. The lights were a moot point anyway as he had a tall stack of past due notices for his electric bills piled on his table, along with just about every other delinquent account he had. The power company had long since sent his account into collection. Gabe shrugged and thought that one benefit of not having power was that he no longer had to see the angry red blinking light on his answering machine full of voice mails from debt collectors, so by his reckoning out of sight meant out of mind.

Gabe did not have to pay his debts if his creditors could not find him, so he kept a low profile. Besides, he needed every penny he could get. He already maxed out his line at the payday loan center and his house of cards built with kited checks collapsed as his landlord had finally lost his patience with Gabe’s checks that bounced as if made of rubber. At this point he was desperately low on cash and barely had enough to eat, although he had decent enough digs at the flophouse in Midtown. It was nothing more than a place to sleep, which was all he needed, but he had to come home tonight and risk getting caught for one important reason.

A sharp meow pierced the air and Gabe desperately motioned for the cat to be quiet, as if he were a dog who would listen to a human’s command. The cat’s meow was likely not too loud to begin with and not audible outside of the apartment, but in this dead silence it sounded like a lion’s deafening roar. The grey cat snuggled against his leg and Gabe gently knelt down to lift up his pet and cradle him like a baby.

“Hey there Anton, how are you doing buddy?”

Gabe petted his cat that he named after his older brother. Gabe had not seen Anton in over ten years since they had the misfortune to get arrested after their last caper together. Gabe only got sent to juvie for his age, but Anton had crossed that magical line to be tried as an adult and sentenced to prison. On an impulse one day when he had extra money burning a hole in his pocket, Gabe adopted a cat from the shelter and named him Anton after his brother. Anton the cat provided the company that Anton the human no longer could and throughout his miserable life, this cat had been Gabe’s best friend.

The flophouse did not allow pets, which was the one strict rule that place had that looked the other way on most other things, so Gabe had no choice but to leave Anton in his apartment and sneak in to feed him and clean his litter box whenever he had the time. Gabe’s stomach rumbled as he reached into his pocket and took out a can of cat food. He did not have enough money to feed himself, but he would not let Anton starve. Gabe was thankful that the dollar store gave him a discount because the can was dented. The cat food smelled terrible when he opened the can, but he hoped that it was safe for Anton to eat. He also purchased a bottled water at the dollar store, again receiving a discount because it was past its expiration date. Gabe wondered how water could possibly expire, but he had to do this because the water company had cut him off after five final notices. He again wondered how multiple final notices were possible, but he had more important matters to address at this moment.

Anton’s food and water bowls were ashtrays from the dive bar on the next block that he palmed when the bartender was not paying attention. He washed them before using them, but he hoped that Anton would not taste tobacco ashes in his food and water. Anton meowed appreciatively and quickly set to eating at an eager pace that left Gabe feeling guilty that he could not arrive sooner when his little buddy had clearly been starving. He saw Anton scratch himself with his hind leg as he ate and noticed an exposed patch of skin rubbed red and raw with his fur gone.

“I’m sorry buddy, I’ll take you to the vet when I have the money but I’m short right now.”

He hoped that Anton could survive a few more days until his next paycheck came in, net of garnishment of course. He took a dirty spoon that he saw on the table and removed the plastic bag from the dollar store that he had saved for this purpose. While Anton ate contentedly, Gabe had to go clean his litter box that he could smell from here. This was his least favorite part of owning a cat, but this task was his responsibility. Gabriel had lived a wasted life full of bad decisions and temptations that he could not resist. He had screwed up his own life, but he swore to do right by his closest friend Anton. Gabe petted Anton and whispered to him,

“Hang in there, buddy, better days will be ahead. For what it’s worth, you have my word on that.”

He then held his breath and proceeded to clean Anton’s litter box and in a fit of inspiration decided to leave the bag by the front door as a surprise for any bank or police officers who decided to step inside his apartment.

Boxers: Shane Mosley, Winky Wright, and Antonio Margarito announce retirements.

Three well known fighters also announced their retirements from the sport of boxing during this month.

http://prospectboy.hubpages.com/hub/Boxers-Shane-Mosley-Winky-Wright-and-Antonio-Margarito-retire

Past Tense

Twitch rocks the bowtie.

“For the record, Kitten, doing catnip was your idea, not mine.”

“Be that as it may, Twitch, it wasn’t my boneheaded idea to microwave it wrapped in foil!”

“How was I supposed to know that would happen? You’re always complaining that you don’t like your stuff cold so I wanted to heat it up, and I thought that the microwave would bring out the aromas in the catnip. Which it did by the way, so you’re welcome. Too bad our human Chris got rid of that dog. I miss the days when I could blame all our mishaps on him.”

“First of all they’re your mishaps, Twitch, so leave me out of this. Second, why would a dog microwave catnip? For that matter it was also your less-than-brilliant idea to throw two cheeseburgers, also wrapped in foil, into the microwave once you saw the sparks from the catnip.”

“I thought they’d cancel each other out, or something. Besides, I only added in those cheeseburgers because I know that you get hungry when you have catnip. Excuse me for being so thoughtful.”

“Twitch, what are we going to do with you? Chris is out a microwave and the whole house must smell like burned catnip and cheeseburgers. I’m glad we’re not there right now, but where are we? The last thing I remember was a bright light when you blew up the microwave and now we’re … here.”

Mr. Kitten and Twitch surveyed the bleak urban landscape before them. The streets were full of potholes, the sidewalks were cracked with piles of garbage strewn about, and the buildings looked in disrepair with most windows either boarded up or broken. They also saw rough-looking people on the street with many standing in groups with no obvious purpose. Twitch looked up and saw a street sign barely legible beneath the graffiti covering its surface.

“Kitten, I don’t think this is a question of where we are, but when. Look at this sign and the one across the street. We’re in our neighborhood, but it’s not as we know it. I remember Chris mentioning how bad this area used to be before the tech companies moved in and gentrified it. We’re in the bad old days; I don’t see a Sumerian Systems Store or a Balanced Meal market anywhere around here.”

“Come on Twitch, let’s get out of here. I don’t like the looks of this place. I think that guy over there is a pimp and we’re standing in front of a crack house. I’ve seen enough movies to know it when I see it.”

The two cats walked nervously down the street, trying to avoid staring intently at any of the angry-looking humans. They saw a group of kids dressed in uniform colors that suggested that they were gang members. At that moment a voice called out from the narrow alley between two buildings,

“Get in here, quickly!”

The two cats ducked into the space, both of them thinking that there was something familiar about that voice that they heard. Mr. Kitten and Twitch saw a gray cat before them. He looked emaciated from poor nutrition and had a mangy coat, yet he carried himself with a sense of street-smart confidence.

“Those kids are up to no good, like always. They go around committing acts of vandalism just for the hell of it, and they like torturing whatever animals they come across. They broke a pigeon’s wings yesterday just for fun and word has it that they set a stray cat on fire last week and then laughed about it. Believe me; you don’t want them laying their grubby mitts on you. I suggest you stay here until they find something else to occupy their time.”

“Thanks for the save.”

“No prob, we cats gotta look out for each other. By the way, the name’s Anton and I don’t mean no disrespect, but you two look like a coddled pair of house cats who wouldn’t last five minutes on these mean streets.”

Twitch narrowed his eyes and replied,

“Who says we’re coddled house cats?”

“Come on; look at that silly bow tie. I wouldn’t be caught dead with one of those things.”

Twitch self-consciously passed a paw over his bow tie.

“This was a gift from my human. She took a great picture of me wearing it for her book.”

“Like I said, I don’t mean any disrespect. I just calls it as I sees it. So what are your names?”

Mr. Kitten and Twitch introduced themselves and then looked at each other and nodded in mutual understanding. Was this really their supervisor Anton Fitzgibbon the Chaircat in his youth? Considering his sharply pressed suits and unwavering professional demeanor, Mr. Kitten and Twitch expected him to have a more glamorous background.

Anton knocked over a nearby garbage can, spilling its contents onto the pavement. He clawed open garbage bag and began sifting through the contents.

“While we’re waiting for the coast to clear, we can at least get something to eat. Check this out, there’s some good eats in here.”

Mr. Kitten wrinkled his nose as his face made a queasy expression. Anton pawed Kitten’s ample frame.

“There ain’t no filet mignon in there, house cat, and judging by your girth maybe you can use a change in your diet. Come on, there’s no harm in some dumpster diving. I can see you’re not used to this so stick with me and I’ll show you what’s safe to eat because you sure don’t wanna get sick off this stuff.”

Mr. Kitten shrugged and followed his future supervisor’s advice. Mr. Kitten wondered if this was the first time he ever actually listened to what Anton said. Twitch dived in with more enthusiasm and made an audible nomming sound. Anton erupted into a good-natured laugh.

“You guys are alright. You guys look like you took a wrong turn when your human went to Rosenbloom’s. Am I right? You didn’t fall out of her purse, did you? Stick with me and you’ll be fine. I can tell that your human loves you a lot and takes good care of you, so I’ll help you guys get home. No cat should be separated from his adoring human.

“My human does what he can for me, but he can’t do too much. He’s in and out of jail and he’s mostly on the lam when he’s out. He leaves me alone for long stretches and comes back when the heat’s off, but in between those visits I have plenty of time to learn my way around these streets. I also have plenty of time to walk around in some nicer parts of town and even more time to think of a plan to get out of this ghetto. Not now, of course, since my human loves me and he’s the best friend I’ve got, so I don’t want to go too far just yet.”

Anton slowly walked to the alley’s exit and peered out into the street. He then turned to the two cats,

“Come on guys, the coast is clear. My human taught me all about the importance of scoping out a place before you stick your paws in it. Let’s go to my place first and we can come up with a plan from there.”

They watched Anton deftly exit the alley. Mr. Kitten and Twitch faced each other for a moment before they followed him. Twitch spoke first,

“I’ve never seen Ditzy Fitzy without a suit. It looked so wrong.”

Mr. Kitten rolled his eyes.

“Insightful as always. Let’s go and see if Anton can help us get home.”

Twitch darted out of the alley after Anton and Mr. Kitten followed at a steady trot. As he stepped out onto the broken sidewalk, Mr. Kitten wondered whether this time-traveling misadventure would give him some new insight into his uptight boss Anton. He then wondered if he should feel remorse for shedding on Anton’s suit back in the present, but he quickly perished that silly thought.

1886

Imagine a film about The Chicago Anarchists. Ever heard of them? They're an important, yet overlooked part of American history.

Written at the request of director Noam Gonick, 1886 is a completed feature length historical drama screenplay based on the autobiography of Albert Parsons and other materials that retell the events of the Haymarket bombing of May 4, 1886, the subsequent trial and executions of anarchists in America who fought for the eight hour work day and to end child labor.

The story centers on Albert Parsons, who at age 13 fights for the CSA and later denounces his indoctrination, and his wife Lucy, an outspoken free woman of color who publishes articles, speaks to the public and leads marches.

The story also focuses on Louis Lingg, a young German carpenter unionist who emigrates to Chicago and German language newspaper publisher August Spies. Lingg committs suicide in prison, leaving behind the love of his life. Spies meets his wife as a result of the conspiracy trial. Four men are hung and buried in Waldheim Cemetery in Chicago.

1886 is a story for The 99%. It captures the current worldwide zeitgeist of the disparity between the haves and have nots. This story includes suspenseful elements such as the mystery of who really set off the bomb in Haymarket Square & torrid love affairs. 2012 marks the 125th anniversary of the executions of the Chicago Anarchists, after their struggles for workers' rights, just like the ones that we are now going through again in America and all over the world with the #Occupy movement.

Here's a Pinterest board for the story: http://pinterest.com/paidtobenice/1886-feature-historical-drama-spec/ . Mr. Gonick states Ed Lachman, ASC is also ready to be director of photography.

Want to see it? Then say it with a vote - http://www.juntoboxfilms.com/projects/1886

New review: Logitech gamepad

New review on examiner.com. I like this Logitech gamepad. It lets me set up hotkeys and automate some keystrokes. Click here to read it.

I program one button to let me do Control-A

another to let me do Control-C

another for Control-V

You can program mouse clicks (at least on a PC), but not mouse movements. Hotkeycontrol from Inchwest will let you do both.

The Tyler Twist is a Cure for Tendinitis

http://www.squidoo.com/tennis-elbow-and-how-to-fix-it

I wrote about it on Squidoo.

Twitch and Kitten: On the Lilypad, a tandem story

The Anchorite has begin this fine story. I will continue it later (that's the way we do our tandem stories). but for now, here is what he has done.

Twitch yawned as he woke up from a nap. He had a wonderful dream that he could haz peezza. He had this dream several times, or so he thought, and the peezza tasted yummy in his dream noms, but it somehow did not feel right? Twitch thought about it, but he could not quite determine why it felt off. He had felt strange for days now, as if something was wrong that he could not determine. He shrugged it off and hopped over to his food bowl. His human Chris treated him as she provided all the noms he could eat and a steady stream of crisp fresh water that he thoroughly enjoyed. Chris loved him and his lifelong friend as if they were her own children, constantly wrote about them on her blog, and even submitted photos of them that wound up in the bestselling book “I Can Haz Peezza.”

After a meal every bit as good as in his dream, Twitch skipped outside of the house to the heated backyard pool. He saw his best friend lounging around in the pool, enjoying the temperature control and Jacuzzi jets that their human Chris installed to keep her beloved pets happy. Twitch called out,

“Morning, Mr. Tadpole! How’s the water today?”

Mr. Tadpole did a lazy backstroke and then hopped onto the heated lilypad set up in the pool. Chris spared no expense in creating an accurate recreation of a frog pond.

“Ribbit! Come on in Twitch, the water’s perfect. I raised the heat to ‘sauna’ and Chris loves us so much that she doesn’t mind paying the bill.”

Twitch hopped over to join Mr. Tadpole on the lilypad. The two lounged in the warm sunlight and flicked their tongues at the summer insects that buzzed around them. Twitch caught a shimmering dragonfly and slurped as he swallowed the tasty morsel.

“This is the life, eh my friend?”

“Yes Tadpole, it is, but something is not right and I can’t put a webbed finger on it.”

"The best part of waking up...is cat sh*t in your cup."

I've updated 10 Reasons Cats are Better than Dogs to add two more reasons! Hint: They have to do with poop!

Writer Buds

Stars: a poem by Chris Hugh